Under the Boardwalk: The Monopoly Story (2010)

dir. Kevin Tostado


Remember that time your friend called you and asked, "Hey, wanna play Monopoly?"

"Yeah, sure. At your place?"

Your friend hesitated before answering, "Actually...you remember my friend Hank?"

"Aggro Hank? Yeah, that guy's mental. What of him?"

"Well..."

"No, no. I am not playing Monopoly at his place. That's not even a possibility."

"Just hear me out. He's better now. Really. He's not so serious like he used to be."

"Really? Hank? You mean the same Hank who told his grandma she caused her husband's death when she beat him at checkers? That Hank? He's not so serious anymore?"

"Listen, he's better."

"What kind of meds is he on?"

"Very good ones. Listen, if you don't have a good time, I'll buy you drinks next weekend."

Against your better judgement, you acquiesced, "Fine. But seriously, if this doesn't go well, you owe me the fuck out of some beer."

"Hey, no worries there; I got you. But c'mon, it'll be fun."

When you arrived at Hank's place, two sixes of Coors: Tap the Rockies © in tow, the seemingly calm Hank feigned camaraderie, "Oh, beer. Wow, that's a lot. You shouldn't have brought all that."

"Eh, it's not much. There's five of us. I'll probably have to go on another beer run, actually."

"Well, Erin and Jim brought some too. It's probably too much. Hopefully everyone can focus on the game."

Not a good sign. As you brushed past Hank, into the house, you replied, "Whatever; it's just Monopoly."

And Hank forced out a chuckle in response, "You're right. Yeah, let's have some fun."

You and your friends kept drinking and chatting. It had been a while since you all saw each other; it was nice to catch up. But Hank kept trying to get the game started, so you finally sat down in front of the board. Hank tried to instill order before the game even began, "OK, I think we should all roll to see who chooses tokens first, and in what order"—before you grabbed the dog and made it hump the car.

"Oh shit, he's cuming. Look, he got the car pregnant and it gave birth to"—you pulled out your car keys and tossed them onto the board—"this new token." All the drunk people laughed.

"How the fuck does a dog fucking a car make keys?" asked Jim.

"It just does. That's what happens. Biology, motherfucker. Hey, we should play for each other's keys."

Hank feigned remarkable, but clearly tension-filled, calm, "Well, technically, I think we should only be playing for—I mean, with Parker Brothers-sanctioned pieces."

Your friend tried to diffuse the situation, "Yeah, let's do what Hank said; we'll roll for the regular pieces." You eyed your friend suspiciously; and he gave you a 'I know he's annoying, but it's easier this way' look.

The game began.

[Artist's rendition of you and your friends playing Monopoly. Hank is struggling to have a good time.]

And everything was turning up Millhouse. You couldn't believe your luck. Before even passing Go for the first time, you landed on Free Parking. "Fuck yeah. $500, bitches."

Being the first faux pas in the game, Hank tried to hold back his displeasure, before interjecting, "Actually, you can't...you don't get money for landing on Free Parking. That's a common misconception. It's just a neutral space."

"Well this is house rules, bitch. I'ma get me my $500. Make it rain, banker. I want that shit in twenties."

To which the banker, Erin, grabbed a stack of twenties and began counting—her drunken mind losing count, "Four-hundred...where was I? Fuck it, this stack looks big enough."

As the game went on, as alcohol flowed more freely, everything became more chaotic; Hank became less and less able to conceal his inner meltdown. Jim, sensing imminent defeat, had a giggle fit, "Uh oh guys, I sense an act of God coming up. Oh no. I forgot to mention that this specific game is taking place during that freak East Coast earthquake we had a few years ago. I feel a trembling."

Jim started shaking the table slightly, to the annoyance of Hank, "Hey, stop that; stop that. You're gonna mess up the game."

"Uh oh, it's getting worse, guys. It's tearing right through Atlantic City. It's not stopping." And then Jim jerked the board, tossing the houses, hotels, and other game pieces off the table. Everyone laughed.

Except Hank. "What the fuck! what the fuck!"

You finally had enough of his shit, "What the fuck, you. Relax, Hank."

Hank punched a wall, knocking through it. You all jumped. Your friend tried to play peacemaker, "Jesus, calm down, Hank. It's cool; we're just having fun."

"No, you, it's cool, you. No, Jesus, you calm down, you. You calm down. You think this is a game? you think this is a fucking game?"

And you replied, "Yeah, it's Monopoly."

"Out! Out! Get the fuck out! Now!"

This movie is about that person.

[The trailer:]


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