I hate vegetables (just clarifying, in case you didn't understand the title of this post or the caption underneath Satan's favorite food that says Satan's favorite food). Always have. Never was much you could do to these abominations unto taste that got me to like 'em. Sorry. That's just the way my tastebuds feel.
But then a funny thing happened. I started getting older. Or, should I say, I started feeling older. Now, being in my early thirties, I've still got some years ahead of me before I really feel old; but I've definitely started feeling creaky as time has gone by. And, of course, as Louis CK has said before, it just keeps getting worse; it's not like you're body magically just starts getting better at some point. So I decided to give my body a fighting chance against time; I decided to get healthy.
Sure, a few years ago, I started to stop drinking so much and also began to refrain from shoving as much bad shit into my body (fried chicken binges notwithstanding), but I still never put too much healthy in my body. Vegetables were the final frontier. I had to start taking vegetables. As I said before, I wanted to get super fucking healthy.
Not that I turned into Rob Lowe on Parks and Rec or anything.
But I'm definitely more conscious of this shit than I used to be. Of course, It's not like I was previously unaware of the healthiness of vegetables; I just chose not to think about it. The biggest reason I avoided vegetables for so long was a very immature one: I hated the smug attitudes of those who loved vegetables. "What? You don't like vegetables? But they're so delicious."
"Actually, most of them make me wanna throw up."
"Oh you don't know what you're talking about. Once you have some—"
"I have. Like I said, I can't stomach 'em. It's involuntary—the gag reflex kicks in. I can't control it."
"Oh I'm sure once you start eating them, you'll love them. How can you not?"
When people love something, it's hard sometimes to fathom that someone else might not. I get that, but it was always hard for me to get past it. Yep, it was mostly spite that led to my avoidance of vegetables. What can I say? I'm just really childish sometimes.
Anyway, I decided a few weeks ago to start taking as many vegetables as I could stomach. Now, seeing as it's mighty hard to fight the gag reflex, I decided to just eat and swallow that shit as quickly as possible. Most vegetables haven't been a problem—except Satan's favorite food (see above).
Since broccoli is one of the healthiest vegetables out there—and one of the most puke-inducing—I knew I had to figure out a way to get this shit into my body. After trial and error, I figured out what to do. I now have a daily routine of dicing broccoli into a fine powder, measuring out 3/4 of a cup of the shit, and swallowing spoonfuls with water. Why, you are now asking, do I take such a specific amount of broccoli? What's so important about 3/4 of a cup? Well, as I mentioned before, I take gulps of water with each spoonful, and I've come to realize that 3/4 of a cup is the most broccoli I can take without getting waterlogged.
(And yeah, it's pretty much impossible not to sing this song every time I go through my routine.)
A little while back I told my writing partner Roger (listen to our podcasts, please, and subscribe on itunes) of my new broccoli routine. After laughing at my foolishosity, he asked me why I didn't run a lifestyle blog. Not that he thought (nor wanted) I should try to initiate others into my newly healthy (funny) lifestyle; he just thought the shit humorous. And so I wrote this piece. Mostly, I just felt like writing a little something about me—not movie related.
But since I brought up movies, I guess I can tie it in somehow.
This whole vegetable thing, and my specific reason for avoiding vegetables, made me think of the smug attitudes some movie connoisseurs have as regards the so-called cultural vegetables of the movie landscape (if you haven't already, just read the New York Times article I linked to for a better understanding). I'm not gonna lie; if you're not into movies, there's no reason to watch Antonioni or Tarkovsky movies. I sure as shit love 'em, but that's just me. As I said before, movie addiction is my OCD of choice; so I watch every damn thing I can get a hold of. And my tastes are pretty far-ranging. If yours ain't, ain't nothing wrong with that.
If, however, you want to write about movies or make movies, you damn well better know your shit. I'm sure there are plenty of would be movie critics who've avoided such vegetable movies because of an annoyance with the smug attitudes of those who sing their praises. I'm here to say, just ignore the smug people; watch these movies because—even if you don't like 'em—they'll round out your cinematic diet.
And, honestly, I ain't gonna lie; you may very well hate these art flicks. But you do gotta take these cinematic vegetables if you want any kind of a background on the subject of movies. If you have to cut the taste of these movies by washing them down with some mindless action flicks, then so be it. Do what you gotta do to make your cinematic diet as varied as possible.
And to the smug people who can't understand why everyone wouldn't love glacially-paced art films (though I do, but that's just my taste), I just wanna say, cut that shit out. You're not helping anything.
2 comments:
This is awesome! I'm right there with you, in spirit if not actions.
I hate veggies as well, and always have, and always will, despite my parents (and numerous other family members) telling me throughout my childhood that my taste buds would change and I would grow to like them. Bullshit!! Big bullshit!!
I have always been able to tolerate peas, corn, carrots (to an extent), and might even say I like cold green beans (though they barely seem to count), but outside of those, it's slim pickins. I can do better with Satan's Food than you, though raw broccoli is some nasty shit. I prefer mine cooked and smothered in cheese (thanks, Green Giant!). But seriously, I'm in my mid-30s and do my best to force myself to eat veggies every now and then. In other words, I'm still terrible, but now I get to feel guilty about it, too! Every so often, I force some down my throat, and if need be swallow them down with the aid of whatever soda I'm invariably drinking for dinner.
Can't I just eat fruit and take Centrum? :D
Exactly. I do take a multi-vitamin everyday but unfortunately I think it's probably not as effective as getting the vitamins straight from the tap (vegetable). Uggh. Yeah, I still hate vegetables.
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